


this is a place where i feel at home

by cinvmatic



Series: to build a home [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Always Bisexual David Dobrik, Anxious David, Crying, David Dobrik Needs A Hug, David Forgets How To Use His Words, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Relapse, Scott is a good bro, Self-Harm, Stress, To Build A Home verse, but he means well, dave is just... having a moment, i will never not use that tag, jason is kinda a dick, kinda? david relapses and regrets it, scott and david are depression buddies, there’s some scott/david in chapter two if you squint, why do i keep accidentally creating chemistry between them?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:16:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinvmatic/pseuds/cinvmatic
Summary: scott wraps another layer of fabric around david’s forearm, evening out the creases and neatly tucking the corner so it stays in place. david winces slightly as the small motion, looking down towards the other man.“how come you’re so good at that?” david asks.scott hands david back his sweatshirt, standing up from his spot on the floor and turning to face his friend properly.“let’s just say i’ve had a lot of practice.”[or: david forgets how to handle stress and this time scott's the one who finds out]





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: self-harm and some anxiety. in chap two david actually hurts himself like its not just hypothetical or past tense so uh... don't read if it'll trigger you
> 
> author’s note: i’m not trying to glorify mental illness or imply that david self-harms in real life. this is just a story based on my personal feelings and experiences. enjoy!
> 
> title from to build a home by the cinematic orchestra (again)

After the incident with Josh, David tries to change how he handles negative emotions.

He begins to spend less time stressing himself out and more time with his friends, and for a little while that works out just fine. He keeps posting videos three times a week, he remembers to eat food every day and he even starts to get eight hours of sleep each night. Sure, he may also start repressing any and all bad feelings he gets on a day to day basis, but he isn't being physically harmed and he feels completely fine, so he doesn’t see why that’s such a big deal. Besides, with Josh keeping an almost constant eye on him (David promised to get his shit together if Josh kept the whole "self-injury" thing quiet) and David being a man of his word, he hasn't hurt himself for at least a month or so now. He's definitely come close to it, but he hasn’t actually done anything and if that isn’t his proudest achievement at the moment he doesn't know what is.

All in all, David is currently feeling the highest he has in months. It's like he’s on the top of the fucking world, and for once in his life he isn't using some stupid coping mechanism to get there.

But, like Isaac Newton once said - what goes up must always come back down.

David doesn’t exactly _know_ what triggered it.

Then again, maybe he does.

As soon as he wakes up, he can tell something’s off. He’s extremely tired, he feels like absolute shit and it’s not like he doesn’t have bad days anymore, he just doesn’t have days that are _this bad_ anymore. His hands are shaky and his heart is beating way to fast and yeah, David has anxiety, but he doesn’t usually get like _this._

Considering how great he had felt the day before, David wasn’t exactly emotionally prepared to wake up in a super bad mood today. So, despite the fact that he knows he has to upload later, he spends the entire day doing nothing. 

It isn’t necessarily intentional, he just can’t focus. He tries to edit, tries to film, but no matter what he does he just can't shake this constant feeling of restlessness that seems to be following him.

By noon, he’s done trying altogether.

He just can’t be bothered; his mind is going haywire and he doesn't have the motivation to figure out why, so he simply does nothing at all. He takes a nap and he scrolls through Instagram and it's isn't until 5 in the afternoon that he actually gets up to do something productive.

It doesn't seem to kick in just how fucked he is until he gets to Jason's place. It isn't until he actually pulls up outside the house that he realises he _literally doesn't have a vlog for today_. After spending the whole day in a rut, something inside David's head finally clicks and for a second he can't breathe because _fuck, what was I thinking? This is all my fucking fault, what the fuck am I gonna do-_

So yeah, maybe David does know what triggered it after all.

He stumbles through the front door of Jason’s new place, sparing a small wave to the others before getting to work. He knows the way he’s acting is probably unhealthy, and his own thoughts are frantically screaming at him, but he needs to get this video done.

David’s pretty sure he stares at his laptop screen for two hours straight before actually addressing anyone else in the room. After looking at the monitor for so long, his eyes are blurry and his head is killing him, so he takes off the headphones and looks around, accidentally making eye contact with Scott.

“You good dude?” Scott asks from across the room.

“Yeah, yeah. I just-" David gestures towards his laptop, “video.”

“Shouldn’t you have posted already?” Jason pipes up from next to Scott, suddenly interested in their conversation.

“Yes, Jason,” David deadpans, looking back towards the screen.

“Maybe you should take a break.”

“Mhm. Sure thing.”

“You look tired.”

“I fucking wonder why, man!” David says loudly, looking up from his computer.

Jason puts his hands up in surrender, and David realises that his small outburst has caught the attention of everyone else in the room. He squirms in his seat as the rest of the group turn to stare at him.

He looks back at his laptop, saves his progress and gets up from the couch, glancing at Jason.

“Sorry, dude. Rough day. Where’s your bathroom again?”

Jason gives David directions and the latter nods, failing to notice the way Scott is staring at him as he walks down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2 comin soon lads
> 
> find me on the hellsite known as tumblr: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


	2. part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter where the tw actually applies!! i’m not gonna tell you to stop reading, but please stay safe <3
> 
> ps can y’all tell i wrote the start of this chap when i was dissociating LMAO

David can't feel anything.

His skin is tainted red and his arms are stinging and everything around him is completely out of focus, but it's as if he isn't even in the bathroom anymore. He can't feel the cold tiles beneath him, can't feel the cold piece of metal between his fingertips and it's a miracle that he even registers the sound of someone knocking on the door because David doesn't think he's ever dissociated this badly before.

"Hey Dave? It's Scott, is everything okay in there? You've been gone for a while..."

David opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. It's like he's left his body completely and he doesn’t know how to fix it; he just wanted to feel okay for a second. He just wanted a moment of silence, but now his mind is foggy and his vision is blurry and the sound of Scott talking to him through the door has completely turned into white noise.

At some point the door cracks open, and David's so lost in his own head that he doesn’t realise he forgot to lock it. Light from the hallway shines into the bathroom, and as soon as David hears the hinges creak his mind and his body suddenly reconnect. He freezes, starts panicking, and even though he knows that Scott is talking to him, he can't understand it. He thinks he catches Scott asking to come in, but David's ears are ringing and he can't fucking breathe.

After a few moments Scott peers into the room, and the two boys make eye contact. There’re a few fleeting seconds where everything is fine, but then Scott's eyes widen as he actually takes in the scene in front of him.

"David, holy _shit_ -"

Scott looks from David's wrists back to his face, and the latter shushes him. He takes a second to breathe, but it's no use because he's still freaking out and now he has to do some damage control as well.

"I know, okay? I know, just fucking hurry up and get inside before someone else walks in."

Scott sighs and enters the room, making sure to lock the door behind him. He looks David up and down, looks at the fact that he's shaking and bleeding and basically on the verge of tears, and nods to himself.

He can handle this.

"Well, are you done?"

David looks back and forth between his arms and Scott, staring at his friend for a for second before nodding jerkily. He sets the blade on the counter, turns on the tap and tries to roll his sleeves up further.

"You should take off your sweatshirt, it'll be easier to-" Scott trails off, moving to stand next to David. "Here, let me help."

David doesn’t have the heart to tell Scott to leave.

He numbly lifts his arms as Scott helps him get his top-half undressed, shivering when the cold air hits his skin. David tries to ignore the fact that he's shirtless - he rarely ever gets undressed in the same room as anyone - and instead watches Scott, grimacing when he searches the cupboard and ends up pulling out a bottle of antibacterial solution. David sits on the floor and Scott follows, furrowing his brow but eyeing David with a look of understanding.

"This is probably gonna sting," Scott warns, and David rolls his eyes.

"Well, that _was_ the goal," David replies, and he expects his joke to fall flat, but Scott laughs. David has no idea what's changed - when Josh had found out about his little "habit", he'd completely lost his shit. He'd freaked out and cried and sure, he panicked when Scott first walked in, but this isn't the same.

The atmosphere is entirely different.

Once Scott's done cleaning the wounds, he reaches into the cupboard for a bandage. He doesn't even look where he's going, just grabs the material on instinct and David wonders how he knows exactly what to do. Knowing how to clean cuts and grazes is obviously just basic first aid, but even his mannerisms are different and that puts David on edge.

It puts David on edge because he's acting like he's seen this kind of shit before.

Scott wraps another layer of fabric around David’s forearm, evening out the creases and neatly tucking the corner so it stays in place. David winces slightly as the small motion, looking down towards the other man.

“How come you’re so good at that?” David finally asks.

Scott hands him back his sweatshirt, standing up from his spot on the floor and turning to face his friend properly.

“Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of practice.”

David freezes, half of his sweater hanging from his body, and stares at Scott. The latter offers him a small smile, and David hesitantly returns it as both sadness and anxiety bubble to the top of his chest.

"Does that mean you noticed? Before now, I mean," David asks as he properly pulls on his shirt, looking at Scott with wide eyes because of course he noticed, he's not an idiot.

"Kind of- I mean, I suspected, but... I also know you feel. I didn't wanna approach you about it but I kept an eye on you, just in case I had to. Clearly I should've spoken to you sooner."

David sighs, looking down towards his feet.

"I talked about it to Josh. He saw, I told him, whatever... I swear it's not a problem. This is the first time in a month, actually, so don't feel guilty for not approaching me when I'm the one who should've reached out," David says, shrugging and glancing up at his friend.

"Are you going to? Reach out, I mean," Scott busies himself with putting everything away, not wanting to make David uncomfortable. He can tell David doesn't talk about his feelings very often, and he waits a few moments before he's given an answer.

"Did you...?"

David asks the question hesitantly, and Scott doesn’t think he’s ever heard him sound so young. So _vulnerable_.

“Kind of,” Scott begins, “I went to therapy for a while. I talked to Kristen. I realised that there’s other ways to handle the things that stress me out… and yeah, I still slip up sometimes, but I’m not as sad as I used to be.”

David considers Scott’s words, nodding his head after a moment.

“I don’t really wanna do therapy. I don’t- I can’t really talk about this touchy-feely stuff. I mean, I should probably try it out at some point, but until then can you not mention this? To anyone? _Especially_ the others-”

“Hey,” Scott interrupts David’s rant before it can really begin. “My lips are sealed. But _only_ if you swear to at least _try_ and talk to me, or someone else, about this shit. I can’t make you go to a professional but I’m not gonna sit back and watch you hurt yourself. Not when I can do something about it.”

“I swear I will,” David says, “I really am trying to stop, I just- you know.”

“I know. Just remember that it’s not only about stopping the physical stuff though, it’s about actually improving how you think so you aren’t dependent on it anymore.”

“I’m _not_ dependent on it.”

Scott gives David a look, and the latter sighs.

“Whatever. We should probably get back out there before the others start to think we’re fucking or something,” David says.

Scott rolls his eyes and David laughs, blatantly ignoring his friend’s instructions and instead sending a shit-eating grin towards the other man.

“Fuck off,” Scott mumbles, and all that does is fuel David’s laughter as the two finally unlock the bathroom door and wander back into the living room.

They both opt to ignore their friends’ curious glances as they sit back down, Scott grabbing his phone and David reaching straight for his laptop. He smiles as he plugs in his headphones again, thankful that the weight on his chest from earlier has been lifted slightly, not doubled.

He pointedly ignores the slight itch on each of his wrists as he gets back to work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally finished chapter two!! yay!! i have an idea for the third instalment of this series but it might take a while for me to write so feel free to read some of my other stuff until then
> 
> EDIT: i dunno if i ever specify this, but scott basically cleans up the whole ass bathroom and shit after he deals w david... like disposing of the blade, cleaning up the blood, etc. y’all probably don’t care but i feel like there’re slight plot holes/things i’m forgetting to mention in this chap so lmk if you think it sucks.
> 
> find me on that tumble site: cinvmatic.tumblr.com


End file.
